Dr. Stewart: Hi, [I´m] Dr. Stewart. Gary Phelps: Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I´m Gary Phelps. Dr. Stewart: My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before? Gary Phelps: No, I haven´t. I´m actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I -- Dr. Stewart: All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...? Gary Phelps: To be honest with you, I saw your name in the Yellow Pages, and It said you´re good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing... Dr. Stewart: So smoking is your problem? Gary Phelps: Yeah, I can´t stop smoking and it´s -- it´s finally, like, affecting everything I do, I can´t run, I can´t play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I, I gotta give it up.
Dr. Stewart: How long have you smoked, Gary? Gary Phelps: Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can´t kick it, you know?
Dr. Stewart: Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart] All right, Gary, why don´t you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax -- what I do is hypnosis. Gary Phelps: Right. Dr. Stewart: Basically I just want you to sit back and relax -- let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust me.
[bigger fart] Gary Phelps: [noticing fart sound] Uh... Dr. Stewart: That´s it.
Gary Phelps: O-kay.... Dr. Stewart: That´s it. Gary Phelps: That was...o-kay... Dr. Stewart: All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. Okay? That´s it. Now I´m gonna count backwards from five to zero -- Gary Phelps: Right. Dr. Stewart: -- and I just want you to relax, and you´re going to fall into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you´re very comfortable, I´ll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax, and just think of nothing. [three farts in succession] Gary Phelps: Are you gonna keep doing that, or...? Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Just concentrate now. That´s it. Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now. We´re very comfortable. Five [small fart], we´re thinking of nothing except being comfortable and nothing´s bothering us. Okay. When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you´re sinking, you´re sinking, [medium fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that? Dr. Stewart: Please just try to relax; that wasn´t me. Okay. You´re very stressed -- you´re very stressed. Okay, four, we´re relaxing, we´re relaxing, you´re very comfortable, you´re very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...[fart] Gary Phelps: Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can´t... Dr. Stewart: That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it´s -- the vinyl -- it´s a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. Okay. And we´re very sleepy, we´re relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us, nothing bothers us -- [several farts] Gary Phelps: Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? I´m just having a tough time concentrating -- Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we´re relaxing, we´re relaxing [fart and cough together] three, two, two --
Gary Phelps: I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that. I can´t concentrate when you´re doing that. Dr. Stewart: This is what I do. It´s a counting-down thing. We´re relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go, don´t focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we´re doing here. Three, two, relax, relax, that´s it, just relax [fart], we´re relaxing now -- Gary Phelps: Okay -- you´re gonna -- that one was -- it´s getting a little irritating -- Dr. Stewart: Hang on just a second here. Let me just step out a second here. Gary Phelps: That´d be good. Dr. Stewart: All right, and we´re relaxing, as I leave, we´re relaxing, still relaxing, [fart in the distance] Gary Phelps: Jesus...Oh my God.
Dr. Stewart: We´re relaxing. Gary Phelps: [trying hard not to laugh] Dr. Stewart: Okay, I´m back, we´re relaxing, and we´re counting down, we´re to two, and all we´re thinking about is healthy, fresh air. Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. [fart] Gary Phelps: Sir, I´d appreciate if you could stop ´letting it out´. But okay, okay, fine, thank you. Dr. Stewart: That´s it, you´re all right, everything´s good. All right, you feel very comfortable, you´re sinking into the chair, we´re relaxing, one [long fart], and we´re coming down to zero and -- Gary Phelps: Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing... Dr. Stewart: No, no, that time that was you.
Gary Phelps: That wasn´t me!
Dr. Stewart: We´re not here to pick sides, we´re not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we´re dealing with the smoking, and, um, let´s not worry about anything else that´s going down -- Gary Phelps: OK, I´ve just gotta kick this habit. Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we´re going to feel very fresh [fart], we´re going to feel very healthy [fart], and let´s take a nice, deep breath -- Gary Phelps: I can´t breathe, sir, uh, I´m sorry, I just -- ["squirty" fart] Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --
Dr. Stewart: All right, we´re relaxing -- that one probably squirted out a little into the pants, but we´ll just continue with thte floating [fart] -- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but here we go, one, zero, we are under. Are you relaxed? Gary Phelps: Yeah, I´m under, I guess. Dr. Stewart: Here we go, relaxing, relaxing. You´re under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy from now on, and you´ll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn´t me, it wasn´t me farting [fart] -- that was not me -- Gary Phelps: [hysterically laughing under his breath] You´re gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It´s just very hard for me to listen to you when you´re -- Dr. Stewart: You´re floating now, you´re high above, you´re looking down, nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh man... Dr. Stewart: -- that was you, Gary Phelps: That was not me, sir! I´m watching you! Dr. Stewart: That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don´t worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I´m perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let´s not forget the smoking thing that´s why you´re here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig. Gary Phelps: What? Dr. Stewart: All right, we´re moving along, and we;´re relaxed. [fart] All right, and now we´re going to count back up, up one to five, Gary Phelps: OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don´t want to smoke... Dr. Stewart: Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you will snap out of this, and you won´t remember this, especially the smell, the smell was from you. All right? And here we go. Zero, we´re coming out of it, you´re waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, you´re feeling good, and when you wake up, you´ll feel wide awake and perfect you´ll feel whole and [fart] all-righty, I ripped that one out there and I apologize. I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out.. Gary Phelps: That was not nice. Dr. Stewart: Here we go, and, we´re coming right [fart] Gary Phelps: What was that? Dr. Stewart: That was three. Gary Phelps: It didn´t sound like three. Dr. Stewart: three, I´m counting, and four, it´s no smell in here, and you don´t smoke, you don´t want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette? Gary Phelps: No I don´t. Dr. Stewart: Then my job is done. Gary Phelps: [bursts into laughter] Dr. Stewart: [fart] Please leave the door open as you leave. [fart] Gary Phelps: OK, thank you, Doctor.
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