Well, I was feelin´ sad and feelin´ blue,
I didn´t know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them Communists they wus comin´ around,
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground.

They wouldn´t gimme no peace. . .

So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the John Birch Society,
I got me a secret membership card
And started off a-walkin´ down the road.
Yee-hoo, I´m a real John Bircher now!
Look out you Commies!

Now we all agree with Hitlers´ views,
Although he killed six million Jews.
It don´t matter too much that he was a Fascist,
At least you can´t say he was a Communist!
That´s to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria.

Well, I wus lookin´ everywhere for them gol-darned Reds.

I got up in the mornin´ ´n´ looked under my bed,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn´t find ´em . . .

I wus lookin´ high an´ low for them Reds everywhere,
I wus lookin´ in the sink an´ underneath the chair.
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
They got away . . .

Well, I wus sittin´ home alone an´ started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my T.V. set.
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin´ right up in the brain.

Them Reds caused it!
I know they did . . . them hard-core ones.

Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes.
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they wus red stripes on the American flag!
That ol´ Betty Ross . . .

Well, I investigated all the books in the library,
Ninety percent of ´em gotta be burned away.
I investigated all the people that I knowed,
Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go.
The other two percent are fellow Birchers . . . just like me.

Now Eisenhower, he´s a Russian spy,
Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy.
To my knowledge there´s just one man
That´s really a true American: George Lincoln Rockwell.
I know for a fact he hates Commies cus he picketed the movie Exodus.

Well, I fin´ly started thinkin´ straight
When I run outa things to investigate.
Couldn´t imagine doin´ anything else,
So now I´m sittin´ home investigatin´ myself!
Hope I don´t find out anything . . . hmm, great God!