I said a bad word when I was a kid
And Mama said that I´d be sorry for the sin that I did
My daddy whooped me and the preacher said "shame"

And I tried like hell to change

But I cuss and I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man, I know ´em well
I´ve closed down bars
I´ve lusted in my heart
My exes think I oughta burn in hell
But the devil, he won´t notice when I die
Yeah, don´t you figure he´s got bigger fish to fry? (Oh yeah)

The politicians takin´ pork-barrel bribes
Crooked CEOs are gettin´ off with no time
Christmas Eve burglars stealin´ good children´s toys (Can´t say Christmas)
Holiday burglars stealin´ good children´s toys

I cuss, I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man, I know ´em well
I´ve closed down bars (Yeah, many a one)
I´ve lusted in my heart
My ex thinks that I ought to burn in hell
But the devil won´t even notice when I die
Yeah, don´t you figure he´s got bigger fish to fry? (Serve ´em up)

Yeah, there´s gonna be a bonfire burnin´
An everlastin´ barbecue
But with all the bad stuff goin´ on
There ain´t gonna be room for me and you

´Cause we cuss and we smoke
We laugh at Tater´s jokes
Tell one, Jim
You know you´re old when your wife says, "Honey, let´s run upstairs and make love"
And your answer is "I cannot do both"
The minor vices, man, we know ´em well
We´ve closed down bars, we´ve lusted in our hearts
Our exes think we oughta burn in hell
But the devil, he won´t notice when we die
Yeah, don´t you figure he´s got bigger fish to fry?
Yeah, don´t you figure he´s got bigger fish to fry?
(Pass the tartar sauce)

When we all get to Heaven
What a day of rejoicing it will be