Good evening I´m from Essex
In case you couldn´t tell
My given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay
And I´m doing very well

Had a love affair with Nina
In the back of my Cortina
A seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener
She took me to the cleaners
And other misdemeanours
But I got right up between her
Rum and her Ribena

Well, you ask Joyce and Vicki
If candy-floss is sticky
I´m not a blinking thicky
I´m Billericay Dickie
And I´m doing very well

I bought a lot of brandy
When I was courting Sandy
Took eight to make her randy

And all I had was shandy
Another thing with Sandy
What often came in handy
Was passing her a ´Mandy´
She didn´t half go bandy

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
If I ever took the mickey
I´m not a flipping thicky
I´m Billericay Dickie
And I´m doing very well

I´d rendezvous with Janet
Quite near the Isle of Thanet
She looked more like a gannet
She wasn´t half a prannet
Her mother tried to ban it
Her father helped me plan it

And when I captured Janet she bruised her pomegranet

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
If I ever shaped up tricky
I´m not a blooming thicky
I´m Billericay Dickie
And I´m doing very well

You should never hold a candle if you don´t know where it´s been
The jackpot is in the handle on a normal fruit machine

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
Who´s their favourite brickie
I´m not a common thicky
I´m Billericay Dickie

And I´m doing very well

I know a lovely old toe-rag obliging and noblesse
Kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness

My given name is Dickie
I come from Billericay
I thought you´d never guess

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
A pair of squeaky chickies
I´m not a flaming thicky I´m Billericay Dickie
And I´m doing very well

Oh golly, oh gosh come and lie on the couch
With a nice bit of posh from Burnham-on-Crouch

My given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay

And I ain´t a sloutch

So you ask Joyce and Vicki
About Billericay Dickie
I ain´t an effin´ thicky
You ask Joyce and Vicki
And I´m doing very well