I took a sudden notion
To go down to the ocean
I´d got my sun-tan lotion
My flippers and my mask

In proper distribution
Of fully-formed ablutions
Formed an ocean of pollution
In which I daredn´t bask

Some turds were teeny-tiny
And some were big and shiny
But they all fucked up the briney
In which I dipped my toe

If you go swimming in the shite-us
You´ll get worse than dermititis
From the sea of grey detritus
Where the sewage ebbs and flows

There´s no respite
From the cess-pit
No shelter from the pong

The poor old ocean
Is full of motions
Where the hell did we go wrong?

Like a lamb off to the slaughter
Pored myself a glass of water
I failed to spot I´d caught a
Little creature in my cup

I was well and truly bolleaux-ed
From the fires of hell that followed
T´was the cup of life I´d swallowed
And it almost did me up

Something coming
Through the plumbing
That should not be there at all
The glass is brimming

And things are swimming
And quite frankly, I´m appalled

I was a very hungry fella
I defrosted my paella
Came down with Salmonella
Three weeks intensive care

They failed to send technicians in
To check the air-conditioning
Which was unfortunately transmissioning
A case of Legionnaires

There´s a malaise
In the mayonnaise
There´s a poo-poo in the prawn
Where we missed them
In the system

Little germs are being born
There´s no respite
From the cess-pit
There´s no shelter from the pong
Where the hell did we go wrong?