Drinkers:
Come on, you old pest!
Fetch a bottle of your best!
What´s the nectar of the day?

Thenardier:
Here try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I´m not Thenardier!

Drinkers:
Give us a glass of rum!
Landlord over here!

Thenardier:
Right away you scum,
Right away Monsieur!

Drinkers:
God, this place has gone to hell
So you tell me every year!
Mine host, Thenardier
He was there, so they say

At the field of Waterloo,
Got there, it´s true
When the fight was all through
But he knew just what to do!
Crawling through the mud, so I´ve heard it said
Picking through the pockets of the English dead
He made a tidy score from the spoils of war!

Thenardier:
My band of soaks, my den of dissolute´s
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn,
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors,
And their money´s good as yours!

Drinkers:
Ain´t got a clue what he put into this stew,

Must´ve scraped it off the street.
God what a wine, Chateauneuf du Terpentine,
Must´ve pressed it with his feet!
Landlord over here
Where´s the bloody man?
One more for the road,
One more slug of gin!
Just one more or my old man is gonna do me in...

Thenardier:
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of ´em crooks:
Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who´s content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn´t cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve ´em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight
Pickin´ up their knick-knacks when they can´t see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody´s bosom friend
I do whatever pleases

Jesus! Won´t I bleed ´em in the end!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody´s boon companion
Everybody´s chaperone

Thenardier
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won´t I skin you to the bone!

Enter Monsieur, lay down your load
Unlace your boots, rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travel´s a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing´s overlooked
Till I´m satisfied

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it´s beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge ´em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It´s amazing how it grows!

Thenardier & Chorus:
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody´s boon companion
Gives ´em everything he´s got

Thenardier:
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

Mme. Thenardier:

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what´s happened since?

Master of the house? Isn´t worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher´ and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he´s quite a lover but there´s not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I´ve lasted living with this bastard in the house!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Master of the house!

Mme. Thenardier:

Master and a half!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Comforter, philosopher

Mme. Thenardier:
Ah, don´t make me laugh!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Servant to the poor, butler to the great

Mme. Thenardier:
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Thenardier & Drinkers:
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Thenardier:
Everybody raise a glass

Mme. Thenardier:
Raise it up the master´s arse

All
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!