If the folks next door to me weren´t so good
I´d do all the mean things anybody could
I´d drink and I´d gamble and I´d louse around
I´d be the meanest man in this whole town

If I hadn´t seen the light in that old lady´s eyes
I´d try to be a man you would hate and despise
I´d rave and I´d rant and I´d scream and yell
And I´d chase my neighbors from here to hell

If I hadn´t heard those kids laugh playing games
I´d have nervous fits, I´d go insane
I´d turpentine cats and tin can dogs
I´d smother people to death inside of hollow logs

If the people around me wasn´t so nice
I´d freeze my heart into a cake of ice
Steal money from soldiers and working folks too
I´d lend you a dollar and take back two

If my wife didn´t kiss me the way she does

I´d carry four or five daggers and three or four guns
I´d shoot craps and ramble and hang out late
I´d steal baby buggies and Cadillac Eights

If my friends didn´t write me those letters I get
I´d be a dictator, the worse one yet
I´d be the only smart bird, you´d all be fools
Send you all away to war and I´d stay home and rule

If it wasn´t for them songs I hear you all sing
I´d put a crown on my dome and I´d say I´m your king
I´d kidnap some and blackmail others
I´d peddle black market stuff and rob sisters and brothers

If it weren´t for your talking I hear on the street
I´d be the orneriest man that you ever did meet
I´d preach the gospel of hate and I´d drink your blood
But I can´t be this bad because my folks are too good
No I can´t be this bad because my folks are too good